I previously posted his Official Navy Portrait instead of this photo, and I captioned it as: “I look at this picture and my heart wants to break in two. So young! What is heart-breaking is that I know if my son dies, I am looking at the picture that will be shown of him in public! I wonder if these young people realized this when they were having their pictures taken?”
It is a Friday- it’s melancholy not because it is Friday, but because I am in the process of leaving… getting things “done”, “organized”.
It means away from all that are dear to me.
The kids. The kids just had their birthdays- 20 and 22. How did they get to be so old? What does that tell about me? Last night my son was here, he left at 8:00 pm, his last words out the door were “I’ll get in touch”… Yet we had a very nice visit. We sat on the couch and looked at cell phones for sale online–those with no commitments, otherwise aslo known as “unlocked” phones. It was a nothing small thing, but it was BIG in so many ways– like relaxing together, laughing, making comments on old tv shows..
Hugging in the morning upon waking up was what the kids had gotten used to from me. It is still great feeling to do it after all these times.
My poor daughter’s birthday was “ordinary”. She showed up with her best friend and buddy Ben. He informed me that he is “in a relationship”! “Oh”, I said. “What happened to “I’m not ready”, and “I’m too busy, there are a lot of things I want to do first..”
Anyway, time is speeding past. I needed some surgery done. On three areas… I hope all turns out well. I have not scheduled the date because there is not enough money. Aiayyy!! Friday blues spare me! Go away! Your antidote is here on Saturday!
Alice in Wonderland…
by Lewis Carrol
Oct 21, 2009
..got some update today from my sister:
Mother is not doing good. She had lost weight. She is not taking her medicine regularly. She now wants to go back to the little town where she was born, where the family were all buried, she wants to make Confession to the Church there…
I know what these all mean…
Original- Aug. 2, 2009
Tell me now while I am alive
Tell me now while I am sane
Tell me now while I am vigorous, youthful and gay…
Tell me now while I know right from wrong,
Tell me now while I can discern light from dark..
Tel me now while I can recognize YOU!
Tell me now…
I will tell you-
I am afraid!
I am consumed with worry for the day’s coming
-when I no longer am,
The person I am today..
What will it be in my old age-
When I look back to my youth-
My actions, my contributions,
Will I ask–did I do enough?
Did I contribute to your growth
-to the point where it mattered most?
Please tell me now…
When I find myself
On that proverbial rocking chair-
When I look back
Will I have enough memory in my brain
To keep my fondest thoughts of YOU
-my love and life?
I ask- is it really true-
You see your Life pass in front of you
-on your dying day?
If it is true-what is my Life like?
Will I recognize me? Do I know myself?
What is my story, will I still know?
Please tell me…
How about You- My Son and My Daughter-
When we are on that last day-
How would you see me, how did you see me when…
How do you see me now?
Did YOU like what I did?
Did YOU love what I did?
Please tell me now!
As I sit here- looking at my words-
I think of YOU.
It makes me cry-
The thought that you may not know- you may never know
How hard I tried my darnedest best
-never for me, ALWAYS FOR YOU!!
“My flowers are doing particularly well”, I thought to myself. I wonder if it’s the watering, which I was doing at this time of night, around 7:30 pm, or is it the cooling weather? This past 2-3 days had been cool at night. I told my hubby that, “my cool weather is coming”….this in reference to the Fall-Winter season. I love cold weather! Even snow…
I was almost to the end of watering when something dawned on me… I hurried to finish watering and came abruptly inside, into the living room in which a big door to the outback by the pool is. Jim looked at me. He followed me with his eyes. I knew it because I felt it- but I didn’t “acknowledge’ this for ‘fear’, perhaps the wrong word- that I would forget what I came in in a hurry for should he say anything and I respond.
I had seen my Mother yesterday. I drove for 1 hour to take her to her “last” appointment with her doctor, a nice older, balding Filipino guy. My Mother was comfortable seeing him because they share the same country of origin. She can rattle on in mixed Bacon dialect-tagalog-English. I don’t know if she’d always been this way– but I think that my going with her makes her brave, gives her confidence, therefore makes her comfortable to ‘talk’. THAT I surmised from a comment she had made about my older sister, who she lives with in Los Angeles, altho Mother lived in the basement. My Mother had said, “V…. (for my sister’s privacy I won’t mention her name here…) when she takes me to the doctor she doesn’t come into the room with me. I don’t know why– maybe because she cannot talk with the doctors in good English so she doesn’t. It’s good that you’re the one taking me now…”
Yes I had started, or taken over the managing of her care. The very first day was when I took her to see Dr. I. on June 12, 2009. She had a biopsy of her pancreas, and liver.
This was the day that I, my sister, and her first doc found out for real– that yes, she does have pancreatic cancer, and it had now “metastasized” was the word I heard form Dr. Ihab the specialist doctor, into her liver.
I will write about that day later—————
The rush to come in from watering my plants this early balmy night was that I needed to write down what went on today and yesterday—
Mother had been seeing Dr. Villa since she moved in with my sister in LA, about 10 or so years ago now, I don’t remember… seems longer than that. Dr. Villa is her primary physician.
— and what happened, and what transpired, and what I had observed….. weighs heavy in my heart… HOW SAD!!!
Yesterday, August 18, 2009 was the “last visit” she is to have with her doc, Dr. Villa.
As I said– she rattled on with him- complaining about this, about that. In-between that rambling– seem like a woman, or a person, or a human being who finally found her voice and is testing it to see if she could get attention finally– I had to ask the good Doc how many month’s worth of medication she can take with her, and could the good Doc please write a letter for my sister Vi’s employer because they are asking for proof that indeed she is accompanying my Mother on the journey home…. home to the Philippines. For the last time. SHE IS GOING HOME TO DIE!! AND SHE DOES NOT KNOW IT!!
My sister and I had agreed not to tell her. We were afraid that she would fall into depression.
At least in this case, we made her believe that she should go take a vacation earlier. Jesse, our second to the youngest in the brood is also going on medical/vacation in Sept. so we told her it would be a perfect opportunity. Jesse works in Dubai. He is the 11th in the order of live birth my Mother had. I was 5th in there somewhere. Vi, my sister is the 2nd. The rest of the 12 live children, albeit one was adopted out to an uncle, all live in the Phil. and they are the reasons why Mother goes on vacation every Oct.
It is also Mother’s birthday on Sept. 20. She’ll be 83 (as old as her father, my grandfather was when he died, she posited this to me). I made her believe that it would be great if she can go home earlier than the Oct. annual time she normally goes, so that she is rested when they hold her birthday party. I also told her that Jesse is coming home a little earlier. both were correct, but I need for her to buy it.
You see– her doctor’s visit preceding this one, sometime in July was an emotional blow.
I took her in to see Dr. Villa because she was complaining of stomach ache. I actually didn’t know what I would find when I got to her place so I was very apprehensive already the day before, when I got this call from my sister to take her in. I got there– she was not ready so I waited for her to dress. I asked her how she’s feeling, and she said she had stomach pains the night before, and in fact almost blacked out again. Again– now there’s a story there too—-but I will tell later…..
The doc did all the standard questions about medications she’s taken, about bowel movements, about sleeping, about weight loss or not, about foods she’d eaten, on and on….
We found out that she had stopped taking all her medications for about 1 year now!! the cholesterol med, the diabetes med, the high blood med. Jaws agape, the Doc and I interrogated her as to why— her response was that she told the Doc on a prior visit to this one- that she would not take any medications until she went to see the Specialist Dr. Ihab. And she added that based on the finding of that procedure–this is when she was to have the biopsy on her pancreas– she would start taking the meds again. Well….
Her and Jesse have not seen each other for about 5-6 years I think. I always keep saying “I think” because I was not really so into her daily life before this diagnosis, before this disease.
I come to see her only when I’m in the neighborhood– like when my kids are with me for the week-end, and we want to eat Fil. food at The Max of Manila Restaurant near where she lives. Then we would stop by just long enough to see if she’s home. If she is and feeling like it– we would take her. If not– then I see her maybe once in 6 months.
Finally here it is– her last doc visit.
After all the rigmaroles (???), the letter to my sister’s employer, the meds she needs to take, the call to the pharmacist to get it all ready, one last order for a battery of lab tests for the doc, I honestly don’t know for what– but— ok.
As she exited the exam room into the passageway to the waiting room, the doc gave her a hug, and a kiss on the top of her head, and gave her some reassuring words– eat good, rest, etc etc. and enjoy her vacation.
I said goodbye to the doc in a nonchalant way. Menchi, his PA was right there making sure she said “goodbye” too, in her own way. She and the Doc are complicit in not telling my Mother. She and Mother had been together more than I had been…. The PA lived around the corner from my mother and whenever my mother had pain in the past–she went over to the PA’s house and bothered her. The PA would then get her an appointment, and take my Mother to work with her. Before she sat down for her job, she will see to my Mother on a bus. How the old woman knew and remembered where to get off is another story….
We went to the Lab to get the tests done. It was late dusk already- around 6 pm. The crazy Lab Tech couldn’t find a vein in which to insert his needle!!
We were told to come back early the next day. No need to line in he said….
As I was driving her home–she made an observation: “Dr. Villa was extra nice today, I wonder why??” I held my ground, I was not about to give her anything! I said, “why, is that??” She replied with, “well..no he was never that nice to me before. He gave me a hug and a kiss on top of my head…hmm…” To which I replied, “well– you’re going on vacation and he just wants to wish you well since he won’t be seeing you for a while…”
“I guess…” she said,and we left it at that.
I got home and told Jim this.
As to today, Aug. 19– going back for the Lab test, finally successful in sucking her dry of blood she said, we went back to Doctor’s office—- picked up the letter for Vi…
….then once more and again– the PA and the Patient said goodbye. Nice words from her–some joking, I jumped in with pleasantries….
Walking out the door, I hugged the PA again, I patted her chummy warm face in my palms…sorta “hey little sis, thank you so much, I will update you, I’ll call you…” and she said, “OK”, and we both knew what we meant, we were talking in codes in front of the person we were talking about that we were protecting from knowing, and who continue to smile at the PA as she said “bye” and “thank you” thinking she would see her again when she came back…
The PA lingered- her body half-way in, and half way out the door… and watch us walk away…. I could see her linger more, and watch us more…. but I declined to look back. We, my mother and I, are not done yet for the day…….
…doing the day with her, watching her go from one shoe display table to another shoe rack at Macy’s, looking for that perfect Italian leather shoes—
…it is very hard to know, let alone observe, and know in your gut, in your mind, in your heart, that this woman is so every sick–
“She has from 6 months to 2 years”, the Specialist said. “If she wants to go home, let her go now”.
“With this kind of disease it can go downhill fast from here, so if she wants to die “at home”, you better let her go now…”
It is unbelievable to watch her, still spritely, can still walk the length of the Galleria Mall from Macy’s to Nordstrom, to Baker’s, and everywhere in-between, and go to a restaurant and eat like nothing’s wrong—
How can this be??? Could it be that the doctors are wrong?? It cannot be that she’s got only 6 months from June, to live??? After all that is why we are sending her off….. she looks so normal…so alive…. so spritely….so….. I know I’d already said spritely….
How could this be???
Looking at this fragile woman that is my Mother…knowing what I know….and we are sending her home although Vi’s going with her, I know I didn’t want that job so she took it— grateful that she did…. I feel like we are cheating her, we are sneaking around her, we are lying to her…
She leaves August 23rd, on my daughter’s 20th birthday. I of course will be taking Mother and Vi to the airport, so the birthday will have to happen before that……
Death…….
Birth………
I just noticed just this moment– what I was writing about…… really. This is how it comes out:
Birth……..
….my daughter not a teen-ager anymore. I would have loved to be with her on that day. I remembered when it was me who turned 20. I was scared because I thought I was old! Old!!
Death…….
….when I see my Mother off….I would be seeing her for the last time. I won’t be going home for her funeral.
Why do I even have to write that word!!! My God!!!
“Dear Neighbors,
We found this wild iris broken at Montana de Oro. We hoped for it to bloom but didn’t. We put it in the bottle hopefully it will open up for you all to enjoy.
Sencerely,
—— —— — ”
How poignant and touching a simple act from strangers, to have lasted this long?
It’s been since 1999 and the memory is still there…the fondness, the wondering to know how those two (love birds) are doing…
I only wish they could somehow see this blog, and know the impression on our hearts that they have left- are still there, deep, awesome. How could that be?
Ha! ha! When someone touches your Life– no matter the medium– it is breathtaking. If you only pause for a moment to see with your heart and soul the beauty in how it happens…it is awesome.
‘Awesome’ is a reverential word I use to describe an instance that is indelibly with the hand of God. How beautiful!!
May 7, 2009 ·
-the writings on the boxtop from these two strangers who had endeared themselves to us all these times, had faded a lot. Maybe the reason really-0f why I made this blog about this “seemingly useless” thing, no importance to anybody, to the world at all but to us, me and the kids, was because I feel a “sadness” about it… about it going, about it fading, it’s like about death, about Life…
…how sad for a beautiful thing to end!!
…the fading of the handwriting, the deteriorating of the color of the box, all mean time is passing by, and claiming all it can, to take away, to erase perhaps, all those nice, warm, memories, all the memories of youth, of vitality, of doing, of being out in the sun, of adventure, of meeting people, of making friends whenever wherever, of looking forward to tomorrow be it unknown, be it uncertain, the treks made, the footsteps left behind, the drive to nowhere for as long as there is a road, the wind in the hair, the space occupied by one’s life… when time goes things fade- things get old- things disappear- things get forgotten- things do not matter anymore.
Sometimes I think, “what if” we met again? What if these strangers left a phone number? Would I have called? Would I have established a friendship, a real one? Do they think of us?
Maybe the melancholy, the “sadness”, that emotion that fuels the drive to keep this ‘thought’, therefore the ‘mysticism’ going, is maybe because things didn’t. Things weren’t. It was unfinished.
The thought that there could have been, there might have been, but there wasn’t,
….or was it the simple kindness, the simple caring, the simple beauty of it all???
Hauntingly Beautiful Wild Blue Iris.
Who knows?
I wish I had taken a picture of the actual flower on a bottle vase…but it’s one of those times…
I hope you see this blog, and you recognize the pictures.
You left it on the camp table of a Mom with her two small kids 10 and 8 years old, camping in Morro Bay, in 1999 if my memory serves me right.
Most of all- I want you two to know the kids and I never forgot your beautiful act. You didn’t know why my kids and I were there, and you leaving us a flower was just the ‘thing’ we needed….that’s why it had kept your thoughts with us all these time…
We wish you two are still together loving each other. We, the kids and I, wish you all the love, all the good that Life can bring you- health and happiness. May God keep you safe and warm!!
-your stranger friends
Myrna, Katrina and Nick
In Memoriam A.H.H.
OBIIT MDCCCXXXIII. [Prelude]
Strong Son of God
By Alfred, Lord Tennyson
And in thy wisdom make me
wise.
Happy Mother’s Day Ruthie!! I hope you liked the flowers we brought you. It was a bunch of big yellow daisies tied up together with a rubber band. Good thing because it stayed up. It floated on the waves for the longest time. It gave color to the deep blue of the ocean and the white foam it created as it slammed on the rocks at Montage Resort.
Your son James cried as he held the bouquet of daisies. I hugged him as tight as I could and told him “it’s alright. She will like the flowers”, that you would love what we did today. Soon we were both crying. I saw him in the corner of my eyes say a prayer, no doubt for you. As a big wave came, he tossed the flowers as far as he could into the ocean. I yelled HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY RUTHIE!! WE LOVE YOU!! Jim hugged me back and thanked me for doing this for you. I said “yes, we should never forget. We should do this for you every year.
We watched the flower as it bobbed in the waves. Slowly, slowly it moved far into the ocean, away from the rocks. Funny, I thought the waters calmed down a bit to keep the flowers afloat. We stood there in silence for about 10 minutes and watched it ride the roller coaster waves, seemingly waterproof, with the big petals keeping it afloat.
As the sun climbed and Jim got hot he got ready to put on his wet suit to brave the still cold waters of Laguna Beach.
I stayed on the rocks watching your flowers Ruthie, feeling so connected to you. It is funny, my own Mother is talking about leaving for her birthplace “to die”….and I don’t feel so bad or so sad, as with you. I’ve wondered this before but never said anything to anybody, not to Jim even. Maybe because you were a Mother to me in the brief time I knew you- more than my Mother was to me, I don’t know if that is… all I know is that you showed me THE BEAUTY OF YOU!! THANK YOU! I owe you that more than I ever owed anybody.
What does a Mother make? Whatever it is– you did for me!
I left the rocks, then came back twice to check on your flowers. The third time I checked, it was gone. I scoured the clear waters near me, I squinted on the waves farther off, I clambered on the rocks behind me to see…it was gone. A thin smile formed. I knew you took it. You got it. That made me happy. I went back to the beach and soon Jim came out of the waters and sat down under the umbrella. I told him. He said, “SHE TOOK IT!” Funny coincidence!
That it was your anniversary- the middle of May, it could have been the 16th I do not remember the actual date you left. Two years have gone by. Had it really been that long?
The brief time I had known you, twice, in mine and your lifetime a total of 1 week, and I would always remember your SWEETNESS. You embarrassed me one time when you told me that I was so “graceful”. I move so fluid, so ”light”…
I was struck by the thought of “why”. Why would you say that, why that word. It struck me by surprise because I have not heard too many praises from people for much of my life. To hear it from you was such a compliment, much more from a Lady that you were. And yes, you were a Lady. You were prim and proper, always impeccably dressed, coiffure, red lipstick , always smiling. You treated me with respect, you treated me like a real daughter, a part of your family. I married your middle son after all.
By all accounts of how Jim and I and the marriage happened, I was pleasantly surprised and humbled by your liking me, by your accepting me. We didn’t discuss any of it, in my mind we ‘understood’ each other. You welcomed me with open arms. But that was how you were. That’s just you… BEAUTIFUL SWEET RUTHIE! HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY IN HEAVEN!!
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